crippling disappointment.

it was so quiet that it was so loud.
kind of like when something is so hot it feels cold for a second before it burns you.
your body deceiving you from that initial shock.
something like that.
but the woods were silent as i sat up in my tree.
and it really was my tree because we had carved our initials into it.
SH + RD with a heart around it.
it was more like a circle though because we were both so drunk we couldn't see.
later on, i'd asked you, 'sean, what the fuck had we been thinking?'
and before you kissed me for the first time you said, 'we were thinking straight.'
i wish you hadn't because then maybe i wouldn't be filled with such remorse.

in the distance i could vaguely make out the sounds of the highway.
the occasional honking horn or screeching tires or just the way the wind is pushed by.
it made me think of your car, that rusted jeep you loved, with the top off.
you always had the top off and there were no doors and it was terrifying, to be honest.
it wasn't something that i had thought i'd be afraid of, but flying at 74 miles per hour?
with nothing but the front window pane to buffer your blow if we crashed?
i almost started crying every time i jumped so eagerly into the passenger's seat.
it was such an act as i smiled and laughed as you revved the engine.
i think you caught on though because sometimes my voice cracked and it was painfully obvious.
those were the times you looked at me solemnly and i tried to play it off but it was too late.
i hated when you looked at me like that because i hated being figured out.
but that's just what you did, you always seemed to figure me out.

i was shaking pretty bad by this point because it was cold.
no, fuck that, it was because i missed you so bad.
whenever you filled my thoughts when the world was quiet, just like this, i shook.
violently, too.
not the type of shaking where it's the wind playing with a dandelion.
it was as though an oak was being shook by a monsoon and it was slowly crashing down.
it's roots starting to snap away and fall onto a house with 2 newly weds.
and the woman is 7 months pregnant with a little baby girl but they don't know it yet.
they want the sex of the baby to be a surprise just so the dad can cross his fingers and hope.
hope and hope and pray that it's a little baby boy for him to play little league with.
so the crippling disappointment doesn't hit just yet.
but that tree will hit and it will cripple and it will disappoint but it will be certain and steady as it falls.
i always told you surprises were bad but you never listened to me.
if you were here now i would give you that example and you would just shake your head.
maybe you would try and disprove it.
and i would probably agree with you in the end.

it wouldn't be long before i started to cry.
i could feel it building fast with that fucking lump in my throat and the stinging behind my eyes.
and that hollow feeling echoing inside my chest that battered my heart and stomach around.
i needed to stop feeling for a little bit but wasn't that the reason i came to the woods in the first place?
to our tree- no, my tree.
it was my tree now.
but the silence would always be ours.
it would never just be mine and maybe that's what frightened me even more than your jeep.
how this tree could fall and crash onto some house and ruin lives but then it would be over with.
done.
the tree would be gone and with it, we would be gone.
but silence would always be there.
did that mean we would always be there?
immortal in silence?
and then i started crying and it was horrible as i gulped for air.
and because the silence was broken, i was completely alone.

'ray,' you whispered into my hair, 'ray, wake up. i have to show you something.'
i didn't move and i didn't move and then i groaned and rolled over, not opening my eyes.
'what, sean? what, what, what?'
'open your eyes. look what i found.'
you smelled like the outdoors and it was refreshing so i opened my eyes.
and pinched between your fingers you held a four leaf clover and had the biggest smile on your face.
you looked so fucking goofy, like you had just won the lottery but that smile was so contagious.
i laughed and gently took the clover from you.
'where'd you find it?' i asked as i inspected it, almost not believing it because i didn't believe in luck.
'out by our tree,' you said and i had beamed like a fucking idiot before i kissed you.
but oh, you don't know how those words ring in my head, sean.
they make me hunch over in our fucking tree and feel like i'll fall straight out of it.
and maybe i will on purpose and crack my head open and spill my brain across the leaves.
no one will find me and the silence will embrace me and we'll be together, sean.

i had to stop crying or else i would be up in that tree for hours and it would get dark and i'd be lost.
that was the thing- i could always find my way to our tree but i could never find my way back in the dark.
fuck, i could trace your every bone by memory in the dark but i couldn't follow a path without you.
you were always the one to take my hand and lead me back.
always.
what happened to forever and always, sean?
i have no idea but i don't want to think about it.
and i don't want to think about you but you're always there.
always.
always.
always.
fuck, i couldn't stop crying and i wanted to fall out of our tree, our tree, our tree, only our tree.
but somehow i fumbled my way down the branches and found myself safely on the ground.
the leaves crunching pathetically below me and i stared through my glassy eyes at the bark of our tree.
there were our initials.
SH + RD.
plain as day.
with our circle heart looping around them.
i fell to my knees and bent over, gripping my hair in my fingers that ached for yours so terribly.
i bit my tongue so hard i was sure it would be cut right out of my mouth.
blinking my eyes fast, suddenly i saw a hint of green in the red and orange and yellow leaves.
something was alive underneath all that decaying death?

sniffling, i sat up.
i pushed past the leaves and i pushed past the leaves and there it was.
a patch of four leaf clovers.
a whole fucking patch of them.
like it was no big deal to have a patch of four leaf clovers.
i couldn't breath and i couldn't breath but i plucked one right out of the ground.
i rolled the stem between my fingers and just looked at it, my eyes still stinging.
and it felt like you were here as the silence crept in again as my breathing evened.
'out by our tree,' you had said, 'out by our tree.'
our tree, our lucky tree.
i stood, still looking down at them.
then i slowly and carefully covered them back up with leaves before turning and going back.
still holding one four leaf clover.
and we were so far apart and yet so close together that i could feel your breath on my neck.
it sent a shiver down my spine and i couldn't help but think of how lucky i was.
even if i didn't believe in it.